Dealing With Cancer
By Lisa
May 20, 2002

I consider life to be a gift, a gift that many people take for granted. I was one of those people who always thought, "Oh that can never happen to me". I guess things can happen to anyone know matter who they are. Finding out that I had Melanoma, a type of skin cancer, was the hardest battle of my life. I still battle with it and many of the effects that it has taken on my body. The simple luxury of going out in the sun has been taken away from me. When I do want to go out in the sun, I have to protect my skin so I do not burn at all. My physical self has changed as well. The end result of surgery was I now am bald on the right side of my head and have no feeling in my left shoulder or part of my left cheek. I have very little hair but I do not let that bother me. I have grown use to the fact that I am unique from everyone else, but I remember a time when I tried so hard to fit in. Fitting in is no longer important to me, the fact that I am alive is important now. There is a reason why I am like this, I may never know why, but this is who I am.

Before I even knew I had cancer, I had always had this little mole on the left side of my scalp. For years I thought nothing of it, thought it was just apart of me. In January of 2002 I noticed in the mirror that it had changed shape and size. Concerned, I called a dermatologist to get the mole looked at. I had no suspicion that it might be cancerous. To me I thought it was just a cyst on my head that needed to be removed. On March 1, 2002 I had the mole removed. The procedure took about 30 minutes from start to finish. I went home fine and the dermatologist told me to come back in 2 weeks to get my biopsy results. On March 10 the dermatologist called and asked me to come in a few days early because they had gotten my results. They also told me on the phone to bring someone with me. I was alarmed by that and got a little concerned. I told my boyfriend about that and he said they were probably going to use words you didn't understand and an adult more than likely would. Still worried I went to bed that night thinking the worst. March 11 is a day that will stick out in my mind forever. My brother and I went back to the dermatologist to get my results. The doctor sat us both down and began to explain everything. Then she said the word that everyone fears "cancer". My faced dropped and I cried. I remember turning to my brother and saying " we have been through so many hard times and now this, when will it ever get any better". My brother was in shock and was speechless. The dermatologist gave me a card for Roswell Park Cancer Institute. She set up and appointment to meet Dr. Kraybill, a melanoma doctor. I have always heard about Roswell and the fact that I was going there depressed me. Here I was an 18-year-old healthy girl having to go to Roswell for a cancer that has no cure. I thought my life was going to end. Even though I was really sick on the inside, my outward appearance seemed the same. The fact was I had a tumor in my neck and the melanoma on my head was 7 mm thick. A 7 mm thick melanoma is very advanced. I worried that the cancer had gotten into my brain. Not knowing what was going to happen next, all I could do was pray that someday I would be healthy again.
Going home and telling the family was hard to do also. My brother and I looked at each other and thought about my dad and we didn't know how to tell him. He we are my brother, dad, and I still dealing with my mother passing away and now one of us has cancer. I still remember sitting at the kitchen table and I heard my dad walk into the house. I had teary eyes and told him I got my results from the doctor. Then I told him that I had melanoma, a type of skin cancer. You could see his face sink the instant I said that. I continued to tell him how I had to go to Roswell to get checked out and have surgery. A that point, my dad's eyes bulged out of his sockets and I for the first time in a long time saw tears come to his eyes. I was his little girl, he never wanted me to have to deal with anything like this.
After I had found out, school became a challenge to me. I didn't want to pay attention to what the teachers had to say anymore. Some days I would wake up, look at the clock, and sleep till 11 or 12 in the afternoon. I fell in a slump. Eventually I was pulled out of school because the doctor appointments at Roswell started to come. For about 3 weeks before my surgery I went to Roswell on average 3 times a week. Before when I heard about Roswell, I thought it was a death sentence. Walking in there for the first time was another experience. Music was playing, sunflowers were everywhere, and it was an upbeat atmosphere. I thought it was sick people all over the place but I felt at home. It also became exhausting sitting there for hours at a time. I was also scared because I didn't know the severity of my cancer. One doctor by the name of Dr. Davidson said six words to me that I will never forget " this will change your life forever." When he said those fatal words to me I began to cry. I was sick of change, I thought my life was normal for once in a long time normal. I didn't know anyone who had my type of cancer, I felt like a sore thumb in society.
Before I had my surgery, I had many tests that were done on me. One particular machine that I will never forget is the MRI. I have always been very claustrophobic, so the MRI was no cup of tea for me. The first one I had done was the MRI of the spine. This procedure took about 1 hour. In order for me to get in the machine doctors had to drug me up on velum. I don't remember much of that experience because I fell asleep in the machine. What I do remember is the noise. It felt like jackhammers were all around me, and it was vibrating down my back. That motion actually put me to sleep the first time around. The second time I went in for an MRI they used different drugs. I thought I was fine to go through with it but I wasn't. This MRI consisted of them mapping out my brain to make sure the melanoma didn't spread into my brain. To keep your head still they put this cage like device on my head. It was about 1 inch away from my nose. At first I thought I was fine but when I was put in the machine my heart began to race. Before I went in, doctors told me it would be about 20 minutes. That was by far the longest 20 minutes of my life. I tried to keep myself occupied by thinking of other things but it was hard. I really hope I never have to go for another one.
On April 2nd 2002, I became cancer free for now. My surgery was scheduled for 7:00 a.m.. I arrived around 6:45 that morning with some of my close family members. This was my first time having such a massive surgery done. Doctors estimated about 10 hours of actually surgery, 1 hour of plastic surgery and 1 hour of recovery. I never felt so scared. They put my family and I all in this one room and had me change out of my clothes. Then they put in a gurney and started to give me drugs so I would be calm. At 7:00 a.m. I was taken away from my family. Sitting in the pre-operating room with the nurses I remembered starting to cry. I was so scared and just wanted this to be over with. The nurse reassured me and then began to run the I.V. in my hand. After that I really only remember being wheeled into the operating room and rolling myself over onto the table. I remember looking up and seeing those huge lights like on T.V.. After that, my next memory is hearing a nurse saying I was going into the recover room in 15 minutes.
My dad was the first person to see me when I was put into recovery. I don't remember that because I was still out cold from the surgery. Later that night around 9:00 p.m. I said my first words since surgery. Some lady was talking about how her birthday was on May 13th. I blurted out "my moms birthday is on May 13th too. " From what my dad and brother told me, I was in and out of consciousness for that entire night. I do remember my boyfriend talking loud and I would yell out " mike, shut up." I guess everyone just l aughed when I said that. I was able to answer questions though when someone asked me them. My dad asked my if I wanted anyone to stay with me that night. I half awake responded "Ann-Marie." She is one of my cousins and we are very close. I ended up staying in the hospital for 4 days. Every night Ann-Marie would sleep there with my because I was scared to stay there by myself.
If there was one thing I will never forget from the hospital it has to be every morning at 6 a.m. At that time every morning I would wake up so sick to my stomach I would cry. Ann-Marie would do these breathing exercises with me to help me get through it. Usually by 7 a.m. I felt some what better. That was the worst hour. I didn't want to talk to anyone, look at anyone, drink anything, or even look at food. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and breathe. The doctor came to a conclusion that my body was way to sensitive for the drugs I was given. To make it easier I was taken off the I.V. and took pain pills, sleeping pills, and anti nausea pills. I felt much better after I started to take those. Before I was able to go home, the doctors had to take these tubes out of my head, and the 2 tubes that I had in my neck. It was the grossest experience of my life. I could feel the suction pull out of me and I cringed every time they did it. I was happy they were out, I hated seeing those in the mirror every time I looked.
On April 6th the doctors told me I was well enough to go home. Even though after I would walk around for 5 minutes I felt so tired, they told me I was in good enough shape. It was hard for me to get dressed because, my left arm was almost fully numb and my head had this huge wrap on it. My physical appearance changed as well. I had lost about 10 pounds, it looked like I had this black eye (due to surgery) and my entire face was swollen. I felt so weird but I remember looking in the mirror and saying to myself "even though I look different, I am still the same person inside."
It was weird for me to get into my old routine when I got home. All I wanted to do for the first couple of days was sleep and watch television. I really didn't want to interact with people. I kept to myself most of the time and just listened to what people said to me. Sleep became easier for me to do also, I was able to sleep longer and not wake up as often during the night. It felt good to get a decent rest. A few days after I got home I became courious just what was under. I would try to peak but the doctors bandaged me up really well. After one week I was went back to the doctor and the changed my head wrap. For the first time I was able to see some of my new hair that was growing. It was shocking but I learned to deal with it. I still was not allowed to look at my bald spot because the doctors didn't want me freak out.
For about 2 ½ weeks I had this huge bandage on my head that felt like a ton of bricks. When April 22 rolled around I was so happy. The bandage was removed and all I had to do was keep my bald spot covered. I still hadn't seen it so I didn't know how big it was or anything. My boyfriend took over the job of changing my bandage and making sure it was healing correctly. About 1 months after surgery I seen part of my bald spot for the first time. I was in shock. It made me extremely sad to look at myself in the mirror and see the same old Lisa I use to see all the time. Before I use to point out my imperfections, now I had this imperfection of my head that could not be covered by makeup or anything. It was me, I had to learn to love myself like this. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I use to love to go out in public but now all I wanted to do was stay home and do nothing. I snapped out of that state of mind pretty quickly. I thought I was lucky that they were able to remove my cancer. Some people die from this. I should consider myself lucky!
From then on going to Roswell was a weekly thing for me to do. I usually went to see the soft tissue doctor, or go to the Melanoma Sarcoma doctor. I was then referred to Dr. Silva, a radiologist. I met with him and he decided in the best interests of my survival that I go through radiation. It would consist of me coming to Roswell Monday through Friday to receive treatments in my face and in my neck. This would help kill off any cancer cells that my still linger in my body. We decided that 25 treatments would be good enough. The draw backs were hard for me to handle though. The doctor informed me that I may loose some hair and maybe a few teeth. This was hard for me, I felt weird enough already and now the fact that I may lose some of my permanent teeth. I was so upset. The radiation has not started yet, I start on may 28 and I hope to be done around July 2 or so.
After radiation, Dr. Silva wanted me to go through another treatment called interferon. What interferon does is uses my body's own immune system to fight off the cancer. They inject it into me interveiniously for 4 weeks and then I take a shot 3 times a week for 47 weeks. This should help me live longer. For the intervenes injection they are going to stick a needle in my chest and connect it to one of my veins there. This will also be easier for then to inject me with any fluids or take blood if necessary. I am not to thrilled about it, but we have to do what we have to do!
Looking back, I wish I was more careful about things I said to people. I never fully appreciated life until I found out I had cancer. Now I live my life to the fullest and have no regrets about what I do. Its just hard for me to drive by a tanning bed and see so many people pile in and out of there. I always laughed when people called them cancer beds, but I still went. Tanning beds didn't cause my cancer but it sure as hell aided in the process of my cancer spreading. I take in every moment as if it were my last. Life is truly precious, don't waste a minute of it.