Learning to laugh again - a positive outcome Julie Anne Kerr's Story Sept. 07, 2001

Hi everyone.

Well, My name is Julie Anne Kerr and I want to share my story with you. This is not a story with all our Melanoma doom and gloom. I am a survivor, a fighter and not a fan of the sunbeds. This is a good story, don't be scared. Do we have our sunhats, sunscreen and sunglasses on? If you do read on.

Well, 2 years ago I was diagnosed with Malignant Melanoma. I was 23 and partying at university. I couldn't sleep one night and felt a very strange feeling. Something was wrong with me. I felt it. I knew it was something bad but I just didn't know what. The word cancer kept popping into my head until it became overwhelming to me. All I felt was that sinking feeling in my stomach, you all know the one!! I felt the presence of my wonderful grandfather, Mr William McHugh, the one who died when I was merely 1 year on this planet. I never knew him but I felt him warning me that night, yes warning me about the dreaded cancer which I later found to be Malignant Melanoma.

Do I sound crazy yet? Probably but that is how it happened. I had a mole that I was concerned about but it didn't really look suspicious. At the time I wouldn't have known what a suspicious mole looked like anyway. However, I felt the need to go to the doctor and tell her about this mole. Of course, I had nothing to worry about? I was told " Julie Anne, there is nothing wrong with that mole it looks normal to me " Upon my cheeky insistence I said that I wanted the mole sliced from my little body. Maybe not so little, I promised to be truthful here. What happened then? I was told that this was not an emergency and that I had to wait several months. What did I do? Party some more of course and thought about it whenever I let myself.

Suddenly, my appointment to see the dermatologist at the hospital was here. I go in and he talks to me about the dangers of the sun and tells me why we need to wear the sunscreen. I nodded and agreed as we patients do. The next minute he is asking me to take my clothes off for an examination, a bit forward I thought but I did it. Thank goodness I wore the new underwear!!! So, he looked at the mole and said " Julie Anne, it is slightly raised but NOTHING to worry about. This is not urgent but we will remove it soon." When was soon? 6 months down the line. I leave the office and as I am about to walk away someone chants to me " there is a cancellation tomorrow, would you take it? " I feel myself saying yes, half scared and the other half thinking about how I will have to hobble around on the dancefloor at the wedding I was attending the next day.The mole was removed from my knee, not too convenient.

The next day came. The doctor removed the mole and told me I had nothing to worry about. I felt that sinking feeling again. I am dying and there is nothing I can do. The doctor was joking around with me and as always I was joking too but I couldn't get rid of this sinking feeling, you know the one!! So, I hobbled to the wedding and pretended everything was fine. At the wedding I still had this feeling, I knew I had cancer. I told my boyfriend ( the ex ) there were good reasons for this. He didn't buy me good gifts.He didn't believe me and told me to stop talking about it. I went home and tried to forget.

The next week came and I went to the butchers to get my stiches, those student nurses nearly killed me. I arrived home and the phonecall came, you know the one!! The doctor called telling me to get to the hospital right away and bring my parents. Pure terror, that is how I can describe it. My feeling were confirmed, my face crushed in agony, alongside my mothers.I called my father and off we went, me still hobbling from the butchers. We arrived at the dermatology ward and I wanted to talk to the specialist on my own. I was already prepared for what they were going to tell me, someone had already told me. I heard the doctors' words, you have Malignant Melanoma, yes indeed it was Cancer. One of the most serious forms. I wanted to tell my parents myself, I thought the doctor would scare them too much. He scared me.He had a funny eye! Those were the most difficult words I have ever said to them and they just looked like children to me. They didn't understand what was happening to their cheeky little daughter. The same daughter who always caused trouble and loved to play, yes even at 23, took me a while to give up the toys.

The doctor went into the wound and took more of me. I felt nothing, shock had set in, the anesthesia probably helped too mind you. All I could hear in my head was cancer and death. I was going to die. My life was flashing before me, I was still that little girl.In some ways I am still that little girl, my mum will confirm that for you. However, I grew up very quickly and to this day I get checked for the Malignant Melanoma.I was lucky, my intuition/grandfather warned me and I caught this very early, we call it stage 1. This all happened 2 years ago. When you get Melanoma you have two choices, fight or give in. Whatever way you look at it you have to fight. I don't believe any of you with Melanoma will give in to this horrible disease. Why? I have faith in the strength of mankind. No matter what stage you are at live, really live! When you have a bad day think of me and my story, it doesn't have to be the end. This may be a new beginning for you as your life will change, try to make it for the better. Do things that you never had time for, talk to people you don't like, live the unliveable.

I still get scared, yes, because underneath it all I am still that cheeky little girl but I know that you can all have hope. If nothing else my Melanoma people we can smile and laugh. We still have that privilege. I don't know your future, I don't know mine. I know one thing though, I hate sunbeds! I hope you have enjoyed my story and if you ever need a listening ear feel free to go to our wonderful chatroom or you can e-mail directly ( no dirty e-mails please ).

Thank you for reading. I smile with you all.

Julie