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MY LIFE WITH
THE BEAST by Robert G.
Wagner |
| There I was. I had turned 52 two months earlier and I had the most wonderful life going. I had a fantastic job that I loved and was, for about the first time in my life, financially "convertible." My 19 year old daughter was attending Wake Forest University and doing incredibly well, which was her norm. We, my wife and I, didn't really have much to worry about. I did have a father who had had a mild stroke the year before, but was really quite fine. My wife's Dad had had quadruple bypass surgery and was able to get out on the links daily with a pacemaker and defribulator. Not perfect, but alive. |
| I did however, have this mole on my chest that seemed to be getting larger. Being the clever person that I am, I ignored it till one day after bumping it, it started to bleed. I called and scheduled an appointment with my primary doctor, who assured me it was probably nothing, but got me a referral to the dermatologist. I remember it like it was yesterday. He came and took one look at my chest and back, and out came the tools. A punch biopsy was done and a week later, I got the call. "Mr. Wagner, I'm very sorry to tell you this, but you have cancer. |
| My life ended right then and there. I'd never see my daughter graduate from college, kiss and hold my grandchildren, enjoy my sunset years with my wife traveling all over this wonderful country. It was devastating, totally and completely. As I focused back on the voice on the phone, I heard, "now we need to address this as quickly as possible. I would like you to see an Oncologist in the next few days and discuss the treatment options." |
| I didn't hear anything more and finally hung up the dead phone. Now I needed to get home, a five hour drive away and worse than that, I needed to tell my wife, who was anxiously awaiting any news. Hopefully good. That call was on the road. I had to pull into a rest area to make it. I could hear the wind exiting her lungs as she tried to suck it up and support me. Did I need her to come and get me? What could she do? There was, at this point nothing but love that could help and she pored that out to me. |
| Walking in the door when I got home, she enclosed me in her arms and we spent most of the night sitting cuddled on the sofa. Tears became common for both of us as we talked about what to do. At this point, going for the bridge pylon at high speed was a constant thought. With her love, however, I came back to reality and tried to figure out just what to do. How did I tell my daughter? That would have to wait for a bit. |
| It was about 3-4 days when we sat in the Oncologist office and listened, crying a lot, as he gave us the news. It was bad, but treatable with a good expectancy of full remission. The spot on my back had regressed to paper thin, there was no evidence of spreading to the lymph nodes, but the scans would confirm that. We did them all, MRI, CT and Bone. There was just the two spots. Next was the hard question, that my wife had been holding in for the last hour. How long did I have to live. What a question. The doctor almost cried as he explained that I had a long and full life ahead of me. My cancer would be taken out, I would undergo treatments that while rough on the quality of life, would control the disease. It wasn't life threatening, but it would need to be managed the rest of my life. |
| We got the consult with the surgeon on the books and headed home. Lots of tears and sleeplessness for me that night. I'm a geek so I figured I could find something about this beast on the net. I think that the Melanoma Patient Information Page was in the first hour of surfing and I read and printed out just about every word that I found. Hey you could live through this stuff. Sure some folks died, but not me. That wasn't being overly cocky, but rather, through faith. I had spoken with my Supreme Being, my Lord, and he assured me that this was not the end for me. There were things that he wanted me to do first. That was fine with me. Never in my life had he asked me to do anything that I couldn't handle. Sure it may not have seemed that way at the time, but it was the truth. My life was a mirror of him and this love. I couldn't walk, run or hide from that truth and didn't want to. |
| Ok so we were going to fight. Step one was surgery. Out came two very large slabs of skin from my back and chest. Margins were clear, it was all out. That was such wonderful news. My Oncologist said I'll see you in two weeks and we began a regular schedule of visits for him to monitor my progress. I was put on the Interferon treatment regime and for a person who had never been sick as a teenager or adult, this was a very rude awakening. I suddenly realized, as I would do my 15 minute stint in the Chemo Lab, that there were folks there who were a lot worse off than I was. I would thank my Lord and let them shoot me up. We progressed to the three times a week schedule at home and like so many people, I said no sweat, I can do this. As the months wore on, that statement was going to haunt me. Interferon is no picnic, ants included. It is something that until you have experienced it, cannot be explained. I would have never believed that you could feel so bad and not need to hit the emergency room. |
| As I shared my physical and emotional ups and downs with the incredible community that Jeff has made available, I found that many folks were also in this boat. None of us knew where it was going, but we knew that the waves were deep and harsh, but together we could find ways to ride it out. It was quite a ride too. I had some of the side effects, mostly the incredible fatigue and the joints aching like I was 80 years old. Assurances from the doctor and the BB said this would pass with the end of treatments and guess what, it does happen. I'm off now (it's only been three weeks as of the end of March '99), but the changes for the good continue to happen. I can sleep. I have some appetite, which is good, since I lost 45 plus pounds during the treatments. |
| Along we went, happy and still a bit on the dumb side. I was taking a shower one morning prior to a regular visit to my Oncologist and there was this lump under my right arm. It sure was big, I thought and I made a mental note to point it out to the doctor, not that I needed too. He was doing his exam, when he hit that spot and his whole face changed. It wasn't a smile either. Yep, there was a rather large node in there. Schedule the CT and let's see what we've got he said. The scan confirmed it. Where there was one, there could be more, so we scheduled the surgery. They removed 14 nodes and 2 were cancerous. I felt awful till I realized that it could have been a whole heck of a lot worse. |
| We started radiation treatments and burned the heck out of my armpit, along with the hairs. Any of you ladies would like some permanent hair removal, should think about this (that's a joke). The scans after that were all negative, but we would repeat them before the year was out, just to make sure. That will happen toward the end of next month and I pray for clear results. |
| It has been a incredible journey. Fortunate for me, I have not made it alone. I have the unconditional love of my God, the love of my family and my MPIP community. Without that, I'm not sure just what I would have done and luckily, I don't have to think about it anymore. |
| So you might ask, why did I put this down on paper? A voice told me to. It said, there are others who are struggling Bob. They might be losing hope and faith and your story, your message may help them. I pray that this is true. God will never let us go, he will never stop loving us. We live through him and it's wonderful. I know that my fight with the Beast isn't over, and never will be, till a cure is found, but I also know that I'm not alone. I have my family's love holding me up along with all of those around the world who have helped me over and over, mentally mostly. It is incredible. It is the perfect example of how I believe that our God wants us to live. Caring for each other with Love. Being within each others lives to give what we can to help. |
| My special thanks to Jeff and Lori. I guess that I, along with many, many others, send special love to you. You mission is wonderful. You are a shinning example of God's love, spreading and encompassing this community. The words cannot come even close to expressing my gratitude, my love and my respect for you both. |
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IN HIS LOVE, Bob Wagner |